Yaaarg!

My most recent difficulties in life have stemmed from my inability to match up my Intellectual Side and Emotional Side.
I can seen the logic in most situations; can gauge them, disconnect myself enough to reach the deeper meaning, and stifle my emotional side.
But today was just.. so hard. I heard myself speaking, knew my thoughts, everything, was irrational, overly sensitive, and immature.. but.. the deeper part of me just couldn't work up the effort to care. Yes, I was being irrational. Yes, I was blowing simple things out of proportion, but.. I am.. so tired of always being logical.. of not wanting to step on toes, of smiling, and shaking my head when people act like complete and total assholes.

I don't want to be on the back-burner of everyone's life anymore. I want to take priority to someone.. anyone..

I'm tired of being hurt, and people acting like dicks, and just accepting it as a part of life.

I want to be able to be irrational some of the time!

I want to be able to just cry, and have someone tell me it's okay, and they're sorry for whatever it was that they did, even if it doesn't make sense to apologize!

Is that really so much to ask for?

I'm still drowning.

My usual life preservers seem far-off, and hazy on the horizon.

I'm tired of fighting..

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep to melancholy jazz music..

I just.. am tired.

I want to sleep, and have someone hold me when I wake up, and tell me the world really is rainbows and butterflies like I try to see.

Am I finally growing up?

Is this how grown-ups see the world? Dull, and hurtful, each good time soon to be ruined by the next heartbreak, instead of hurtful sometimes, but overall good, and uplifting like I've tried to see?