Medicated and numb

It's peculiar, the difference between feeling emotionally numb from total overload, and from taking a little white pill to stop feeling everything.

About 6am Monday morning I was awakened to a familiar, and non-too-fond of feeling; picture this.

You take a piece of glass.

Pound it with a hammer until you're left with nothing but shattered powder.

Now swallow.

Only, instead of it reaching your stomach, it goes to your kidney. (For those of you unfamiliar with the kidney area in your back, it's about two-to-three inches left or right of your spine, and deep)

Then, the glass shards dig themselves into your rather vital organ, and begin to scratch and scrape at your insides until it finally reaches your ureter, and you have to pass it in your urine.

Blood ensues.

And for days afterwards your organ aches, and just.. hurts.

I took the pain as long as I could- about an hour and a half, until I was digging my fingernails into the counter tops, and in so much pain I had surpassed the ability to cry.

Que the pill.

It apparently blocks your central nervous system, and stops it from firing off the, "HOLY SHIT, YOUR BODY IS FAILING" signal, allowing me to fall back asleep for another 8 hours.

I.. hate the feeling of being numb. But now that I have something to compare it to, I much prefer the medicated numb, where everything is hazy, and I can't quite see everything clearly.

It's easier to handle than the pain-filled, emotionally drained numb, where I wonder if I'll ever be able to climb out of the hole I'm sinking into..

I hate both..

But this one is more.. comforting. Like my brain is just fuzzy, and I can't quite discern what's happening.. versus knowing full well, and not being able to help not feeling.

I so much prefer physical pain to any emotional ones.. That may be because I've had more than my fill of emotional heartbreak these last few months, and things being cured so easily with blocking my nerve endings is a comforting feeling.. I know the pain will stop as soon as I do this one thing.

I stop feeling everything as soon as I toss my head back, and take it with water, as directed.

And when the physical pain ends, I know that that pretty much is the end of it..

I so much prefer the physical to the emotional.

I don't have to rely on people to get through physical pain. I can depend on myself alone for that.

I've been hurting so much lately..

I feel like I'm boring everyone around me. I don't want to burden them with being sad..

Because..

When I get used to them being there, and really rely on them..

That's when people are best known for their vanishing acts.

“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”

Yaaarg!

My most recent difficulties in life have stemmed from my inability to match up my Intellectual Side and Emotional Side.
I can seen the logic in most situations; can gauge them, disconnect myself enough to reach the deeper meaning, and stifle my emotional side.
But today was just.. so hard. I heard myself speaking, knew my thoughts, everything, was irrational, overly sensitive, and immature.. but.. the deeper part of me just couldn't work up the effort to care. Yes, I was being irrational. Yes, I was blowing simple things out of proportion, but.. I am.. so tired of always being logical.. of not wanting to step on toes, of smiling, and shaking my head when people act like complete and total assholes.

I don't want to be on the back-burner of everyone's life anymore. I want to take priority to someone.. anyone..

I'm tired of being hurt, and people acting like dicks, and just accepting it as a part of life.

I want to be able to be irrational some of the time!

I want to be able to just cry, and have someone tell me it's okay, and they're sorry for whatever it was that they did, even if it doesn't make sense to apologize!

Is that really so much to ask for?

I'm still drowning.

My usual life preservers seem far-off, and hazy on the horizon.

I'm tired of fighting..

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep to melancholy jazz music..

I just.. am tired.

I want to sleep, and have someone hold me when I wake up, and tell me the world really is rainbows and butterflies like I try to see.

Am I finally growing up?

Is this how grown-ups see the world? Dull, and hurtful, each good time soon to be ruined by the next heartbreak, instead of hurtful sometimes, but overall good, and uplifting like I've tried to see?

Slacker

So, it's sad when life throws you so many curve balls, simply writing them down seems near impossible. Let alone remembering all the details to tell your shrink.
That's one.
I now have a therapist; she's amazingly sweet, and soft-spoken. But occasionally, it feels as if she's treating me like some animal that wandered into her yard, high-octave tone, hushed, sitting observing me as I emotionally gut myself in front of her.
I hate feeling like I'm whining to people, which is why I created this blog. As a way to get everything negative I'm feeling out of my head, so I don't drive myself to snapping point, break bit by bit, until I'm a neurotic mess doubled over in my jeep, shrieking to some unfortunate soul I picked up from a movie. (Love you always)
I feel like I'm drowning again.
Some times it gets better, and things don't stick. Nothing registers as bad, and it's like I'm six again. Unknowing of the potential traumas, lost in finger-painting the walls. But it always hurts again.. and I realize that's life.. and that's just.. how it goes. Good times always followed closely by bad. Eventually it gets good again, but the periods in-between, waiting, counting the hours, trying to hold myself together long enough for it to be okay again..
I never am quite sure if I'll make it. I panic, wandering how soon until the pain stops, and I can actually laugh again.
So much of my life feels fake and forced at this point. I know my friends, the real ones, really care. But they have so much to handle themselves that I can't rely on them constantly for reassurance.
It hurts right now.
I've realized someone whom I trusted unparalleled.. isn't there.
It's like they're not real anymore. I'm questioning every conversation we ever had, replaying every moment, trying to pinpoint where it went wrong, where it deteriorated, how I managed to mess up another thing in my life.. Was I not good enough, yet again? Even for friendship.. for basic human compassion..
It kills me. It physically aches, nausea swelling, tears always another thought away. I'm so tired of crying over him..
I can't believe I let myself love him.
Believed him when he told me he'd always be there.
He's not..
He's happy. I have no place in his happiness.. I'm left to hurt, and ache, and scab over, not even a second thought to his new life.. it kills me. It.. it HURTS.
I feel like a cliché, that it's so overdone.. unrequited love.
But it goes DEEPER than unrequited love.. I know he doesn't, nor will he ever, feel the way back for me that I do for him. It goes to.. unrequited humanity. That I just.. am afterthought. Fade to black, start to roll credits, and realize that I'm left sitting there, wondering what I could have POSSIBLY done to deserve this.. it doesn't make sense that it just happened.
I had to have done something for this.
I had to have done something to be forgotten so easily.. am I so easily replaceable? Just.. toss me to the side, get the newer model, obsolete?
I don't want to be the tonsils in peoples lives! I don't want to be chopped out after so many years, suddenly useless, and left to disappear in a medical waste bin!
I don't know..
And.
Apparently I have Daddy Issues. I am a giant freaking cliché, wrapped in flesh.
Maybe that's why I'm so easily replaced.
I'm boring.
Depression, anxiety, Daddy Issues.. I'm a damn soap opera character.
Que the pregnancy with two different mens babies, twins.
Maybe sexier hair, a nice Spanish accent to throw everyone off. Be ethnic, but still "Safe".
Euhg.
I just.. want to stop hurting.
I want to stop getting hurt so easily. I want to not care, to shrug it off when someone breaks me, and go, "Yeah? It was about time. I'm surprised it took you this long to do it." and move on.. to not cry into my pillow night after night, unable to sleep till 5 in the morning, till all my tears are gone and I'm near dehydrated from it.
EUHG.
DAMMIT.