Slacker

So, it's sad when life throws you so many curve balls, simply writing them down seems near impossible. Let alone remembering all the details to tell your shrink.
That's one.
I now have a therapist; she's amazingly sweet, and soft-spoken. But occasionally, it feels as if she's treating me like some animal that wandered into her yard, high-octave tone, hushed, sitting observing me as I emotionally gut myself in front of her.
I hate feeling like I'm whining to people, which is why I created this blog. As a way to get everything negative I'm feeling out of my head, so I don't drive myself to snapping point, break bit by bit, until I'm a neurotic mess doubled over in my jeep, shrieking to some unfortunate soul I picked up from a movie. (Love you always)
I feel like I'm drowning again.
Some times it gets better, and things don't stick. Nothing registers as bad, and it's like I'm six again. Unknowing of the potential traumas, lost in finger-painting the walls. But it always hurts again.. and I realize that's life.. and that's just.. how it goes. Good times always followed closely by bad. Eventually it gets good again, but the periods in-between, waiting, counting the hours, trying to hold myself together long enough for it to be okay again..
I never am quite sure if I'll make it. I panic, wandering how soon until the pain stops, and I can actually laugh again.
So much of my life feels fake and forced at this point. I know my friends, the real ones, really care. But they have so much to handle themselves that I can't rely on them constantly for reassurance.
It hurts right now.
I've realized someone whom I trusted unparalleled.. isn't there.
It's like they're not real anymore. I'm questioning every conversation we ever had, replaying every moment, trying to pinpoint where it went wrong, where it deteriorated, how I managed to mess up another thing in my life.. Was I not good enough, yet again? Even for friendship.. for basic human compassion..
It kills me. It physically aches, nausea swelling, tears always another thought away. I'm so tired of crying over him..
I can't believe I let myself love him.
Believed him when he told me he'd always be there.
He's not..
He's happy. I have no place in his happiness.. I'm left to hurt, and ache, and scab over, not even a second thought to his new life.. it kills me. It.. it HURTS.
I feel like a cliché, that it's so overdone.. unrequited love.
But it goes DEEPER than unrequited love.. I know he doesn't, nor will he ever, feel the way back for me that I do for him. It goes to.. unrequited humanity. That I just.. am afterthought. Fade to black, start to roll credits, and realize that I'm left sitting there, wondering what I could have POSSIBLY done to deserve this.. it doesn't make sense that it just happened.
I had to have done something for this.
I had to have done something to be forgotten so easily.. am I so easily replaceable? Just.. toss me to the side, get the newer model, obsolete?
I don't want to be the tonsils in peoples lives! I don't want to be chopped out after so many years, suddenly useless, and left to disappear in a medical waste bin!
I don't know..
And.
Apparently I have Daddy Issues. I am a giant freaking cliché, wrapped in flesh.
Maybe that's why I'm so easily replaced.
I'm boring.
Depression, anxiety, Daddy Issues.. I'm a damn soap opera character.
Que the pregnancy with two different mens babies, twins.
Maybe sexier hair, a nice Spanish accent to throw everyone off. Be ethnic, but still "Safe".
Euhg.
I just.. want to stop hurting.
I want to stop getting hurt so easily. I want to not care, to shrug it off when someone breaks me, and go, "Yeah? It was about time. I'm surprised it took you this long to do it." and move on.. to not cry into my pillow night after night, unable to sleep till 5 in the morning, till all my tears are gone and I'm near dehydrated from it.
EUHG.
DAMMIT.