Medicated and numb

It's peculiar, the difference between feeling emotionally numb from total overload, and from taking a little white pill to stop feeling everything.

About 6am Monday morning I was awakened to a familiar, and non-too-fond of feeling; picture this.

You take a piece of glass.

Pound it with a hammer until you're left with nothing but shattered powder.

Now swallow.

Only, instead of it reaching your stomach, it goes to your kidney. (For those of you unfamiliar with the kidney area in your back, it's about two-to-three inches left or right of your spine, and deep)

Then, the glass shards dig themselves into your rather vital organ, and begin to scratch and scrape at your insides until it finally reaches your ureter, and you have to pass it in your urine.

Blood ensues.

And for days afterwards your organ aches, and just.. hurts.

I took the pain as long as I could- about an hour and a half, until I was digging my fingernails into the counter tops, and in so much pain I had surpassed the ability to cry.

Que the pill.

It apparently blocks your central nervous system, and stops it from firing off the, "HOLY SHIT, YOUR BODY IS FAILING" signal, allowing me to fall back asleep for another 8 hours.

I.. hate the feeling of being numb. But now that I have something to compare it to, I much prefer the medicated numb, where everything is hazy, and I can't quite see everything clearly.

It's easier to handle than the pain-filled, emotionally drained numb, where I wonder if I'll ever be able to climb out of the hole I'm sinking into..

I hate both..

But this one is more.. comforting. Like my brain is just fuzzy, and I can't quite discern what's happening.. versus knowing full well, and not being able to help not feeling.

I so much prefer physical pain to any emotional ones.. That may be because I've had more than my fill of emotional heartbreak these last few months, and things being cured so easily with blocking my nerve endings is a comforting feeling.. I know the pain will stop as soon as I do this one thing.

I stop feeling everything as soon as I toss my head back, and take it with water, as directed.

And when the physical pain ends, I know that that pretty much is the end of it..

I so much prefer the physical to the emotional.

I don't have to rely on people to get through physical pain. I can depend on myself alone for that.

I've been hurting so much lately..

I feel like I'm boring everyone around me. I don't want to burden them with being sad..

Because..

When I get used to them being there, and really rely on them..

That's when people are best known for their vanishing acts.

“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”