Things that I've learned..

These past few months have been a bit of a learning experience for me.

As a female, I have read plenty of the awful, self-help, dating advice columns. Reading body language. Little hints that he's "into you". How to make yourself seem more attractive and confident!

But here's the lowdown I have learned.

1: If after six months, he still wants to see other people?

Chances are he doesn't, nor will he magically and suddenly despite what EVERY chick flick has even instilled into your subconscious has taught you, want to be with you.

2: If he tells you he wants to figure out a relationship, but is still schtupping his ex?

Probably doesn't actually want that relationship with you, so much as he wants to grab some cookies from all the jars. And ladies. Please. Keep the lid on your jar zipped.

I mean closed.

3: If he has asked you out repeatedly, but every time bails at the last minute, or doesn't even tell you he's cancelling?

You're not worth the time to pick up a phone, and even drop you a courtesy text.

4: If the words, "I don't feel like it, I'm in a funk," are uttered repeatedly?

He's a bit of a girl, and needs to walk off his man-period. If he expects you to be perky and happy and non-moody during YOUR time of the month, but declares he needs to be left alone because he can't handle people.. you'll be on the backburner most of the time, when he's being funky.

And my personal favorite!

5: If he uses you as an emotional booty call..

This means he only comes to you or talks to you, or gives a damn about you when his life is falling apart. Usually the statement, "I know we don't hang out that often, and it seems like I only talk to you when life is bad, but I just know you'll always be there, so I can rely on you!" is uttered, meaning, "You're nice to have as a fallback in my life when I've burned all my bridges, and I can emotionally abuse and rip you apart thinking we're friends, and possibly more! But when things get better I'll drop you again."

Now, remember.

Exes?

Bad idea. You broke up with them for a reason. Probably multiple reasons.

And if you didn't do the breaking, something was afoot in the relationship.

So in the wise words of Mae West,

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”