Why, hellooo, insecurity.

Why, hello, Angst. Fancy meeting you here.

So, when I was younger, and growing up, I was riddled with insecurities. But, as a teenager, those were tired, and clichéd. [b]Everyone[/b] had an insecurity. Wah, wah, wah, I'm too fat.

Wah, wah, wah, my skin is awful.

Wah, wah, wah, I'm on my 12th boyfriend, and no one else seems to like me.

The first two were me, there. But even though I was feeling those things, I never let people know. I refused to wear makeup, because I was determined to stand out from the crowd. I was [b]certain[/b] I would be commended and accepted and loved for being different from the rest. The term [quote]Black Sheep[/quote] was something I looked fondly upon, not realizing it was more isolating than endearing.

Then, when I was nearing the end of my Junior High school days, my older sister gave me a piece of advice that I took in a totally different direction of its intent, and ran with it. She had figured out the school system; she was quiet, and shy, but [b]gorgeous[/b] so everyone loved her. Wanted to be her friend. Wanted to date her, convert her for better to marry to. (<-- That, by the way, super-sentence failure)

We were in the bathroom, and I was watching her get ready to go out with her friends to a movie. She was thin. She had the right curves. She had hair to her damn ass. She was applying her makeup with such perfection, she looked like a doll. A painting. No blemishes. Perfect hair. Porcelain skin.

She looked at me in the mirror; I can remember my limp hair, my acne-ridden skin, ill-fitting clothes.

[quote]Lou,[/quote] she said, [quote]Don't start wearing makeup. Once you do, everyone will only want to date you, and won't want to be friends anymore.[/quote]

That was it. That was the magical answer to my problems! It had to be, right?

So.

I started wearing makeup. But that didn't do it.. I wore tighter-fitting clothes. Which, let me tell you, when you're a chunkier person like I am, not the way to go.

It didn't make sense.

Why weren't her tricks working for me?

I kept trying. I kept failing.

I eventually settled in to my social standing. I was the "friend". I was the "little sister". I was the "really awesome girl that I just wish you and I could date!"

.. Gee, really? Huh. That's funny. Because you'd rather go after the trampy dancer who's practicing her pole dancing techniques under the guise of Dance Team. But, sure. We'll go with what you said.

It got to the point where any time any guy shows an interest in me, I automatically like him. Instantly.

It didn't matter if he was..

A verbally abusive WoW addict who would tell me I was stupid when he made me cry, cause he didn't [b]mean[/b] it offensively, and who didn't visit me when I was in the ICU cause he was leveling up.

It didn't matter if he was nearly 10 years my senior, and assaulted me on a regular basis.

It didn't matter if he told me he wanted a three-way with one of my sisters.

It didn't matter if he was a Neo-Nazi who claimed to hate Jews and brown people.

I just.. can't help myself. Because I think, "Well, sure. You're kind of an absolute blemish on society, and it would be better if you never bred, ever, never. But, by God, you said you liked me, and that's better than being alone, right!"

And.. I KNOW it's not better than single.

I know it's AWFUL, and being alone forever and always is a better option than any of those guys I've dated.

I finally have reached a point in my life where.. I'm not happy. Or content. But I don't hate my body as much as I used to. I've figured out ways to feel pretty, and how to cinch up certain areas to look less pudgy, and how to accentuate decent points of interest.

But, shit, if I don't always feel insecure to not only my gorgeous older sister, whom I was always in her shadow in junior high and high school, but now I'm eclipsed by my sister who's 4 years younger than me.

Multiple guys who have tried dating me expressed interest in a three-some with her. Never mind she's my sister, and incest is illegal. Never mind the fact that I don't really swing that way. Never mind the fact that she's illegal, and if they ever touched her I would break their fingers off, and mail them to the police with a polite little note saying, "Please fingerprint these, and return to the owner. And then keep him there. Love,"

But.. God. She's.. a teenager. That's all I can say. I know she's my sister. And I love her dearly, and time after time do whatever I can to make sure she's safe, even if she yells and screams that I'm ruining her life.

But she's a teenager. She's selfish, and high-maintenance, and uncaring.

And guys in my age group would rather crawl on top of her than even look at me sideways.

And if they DO take a side-long glance, they ask me how to date her.

"Be a douche, and then she'll cheat on you like she does all of her boyfriends?" Not the best answer, I've learned.

I just..

EUHG.

I shouldn't have to compete with my little sister for attention from the entire world. She takes my families attention with her bullshit. She takes guys attention.

It's like I'm 13 again, and awkward, and never know what to say. And the Pretty Girl struts around in her string bikini, and the guys salivate and follow like Pavlov's dogs, and I'm in the corner, wearing a one-piece, reading a book.

Movies

So, as an avid movie watcher, I have a few rules of thumb.

If you're watching a movie with someone, and you know NEITHER of you have ever seen it, please, do not insist on asking your fellow viewer why a character did what they just did.

I have no idea why. Just like you.

But, it does spark a little sarcastic flame inside of me. A slightly enraged flame, that questions whether I should interrupt the movie back, and lead them on entirely different plot development path than the writers and director had originally intended for them.

"Gee, why on earth was she mean to that poor guy??"

"Well. It's probably because he's her estranged brother who smothered their parents in their sleep."

"REALLY?"
"Well, they didn't DIRECTLY say that, but you could tell based on the subtle nuances that that's what they really were trying to elude to,"

I find if I use slightly more thesaurus-esque words, it makes me more believable. More.. trusting. Like a Department Store Santa in Utah, who's not black.

Like something a lot less racist.

Things that I've learned..

These past few months have been a bit of a learning experience for me.

As a female, I have read plenty of the awful, self-help, dating advice columns. Reading body language. Little hints that he's "into you". How to make yourself seem more attractive and confident!

But here's the lowdown I have learned.

1: If after six months, he still wants to see other people?

Chances are he doesn't, nor will he magically and suddenly despite what EVERY chick flick has even instilled into your subconscious has taught you, want to be with you.

2: If he tells you he wants to figure out a relationship, but is still schtupping his ex?

Probably doesn't actually want that relationship with you, so much as he wants to grab some cookies from all the jars. And ladies. Please. Keep the lid on your jar zipped.

I mean closed.

3: If he has asked you out repeatedly, but every time bails at the last minute, or doesn't even tell you he's cancelling?

You're not worth the time to pick up a phone, and even drop you a courtesy text.

4: If the words, "I don't feel like it, I'm in a funk," are uttered repeatedly?

He's a bit of a girl, and needs to walk off his man-period. If he expects you to be perky and happy and non-moody during YOUR time of the month, but declares he needs to be left alone because he can't handle people.. you'll be on the backburner most of the time, when he's being funky.

And my personal favorite!

5: If he uses you as an emotional booty call..

This means he only comes to you or talks to you, or gives a damn about you when his life is falling apart. Usually the statement, "I know we don't hang out that often, and it seems like I only talk to you when life is bad, but I just know you'll always be there, so I can rely on you!" is uttered, meaning, "You're nice to have as a fallback in my life when I've burned all my bridges, and I can emotionally abuse and rip you apart thinking we're friends, and possibly more! But when things get better I'll drop you again."

Now, remember.

Exes?

Bad idea. You broke up with them for a reason. Probably multiple reasons.

And if you didn't do the breaking, something was afoot in the relationship.

So in the wise words of Mae West,

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”