Robot Battles and Emotional Voyages

This blog shall be used as a catharsis. I've held too many things inside for too long. It may not be the most profound blog, or wittiest, but it's just my thoughts, when there're too many in my head for me to handle.

Why, hellooo, insecurity.

Why, hello, Angst. Fancy meeting you here.

So, when I was younger, and growing up, I was riddled with insecurities. But, as a teenager, those were tired, and clich├ęd. [b]Everyone[/b] had an insecurity. Wah, wah, wah, I'm too fat.
Wah, wah, wah, my skin is awful.
Wah, wah, wah, I'm on my 12th boyfriend, and no one else seems to like me.

The first two were me, there. But even though I was feeling those things, I never let people know. I refused to wear makeup, because I was determined to stand out from the crowd. I was [b]certain[/b] I would be commended and accepted and loved for being different from the rest. The term [quote]Black Sheep[/quote] was something I looked fondly upon, not realizing it was more isolating than endearing.

Then, when I was nearing the end of my Junior High school days, my older sister gave me a piece of advice that I took in a totally different direction of its intent, and ran with it. She had figured out the school system; she was quiet, and shy, but [b]gorgeous[/b] so everyone loved her. Wanted to be her friend. Wanted to date her, convert her for better to marry to. (<-- That, by the way, super-sentence failure)

We were in the bathroom, and I was watching her get ready to go out with her friends to a movie. She was thin. She had the right curves. She had hair to her damn ass. She was applying her makeup with such perfection, she looked like a doll. A painting. No blemishes. Perfect hair. Porcelain skin.
She looked at me in the mirror; I can remember my limp hair, my acne-ridden skin, ill-fitting clothes.
[quote]Lou,[/quote] she said, [quote]Don't start wearing makeup. Once you do, everyone will only want to date you, and won't want to be friends anymore.[/quote]

That was it. That was the magical answer to my problems! It had to be, right?

So.
I started wearing makeup. But that didn't do it.. I wore tighter-fitting clothes. Which, let me tell you, when you're a chunkier person like I am, not the way to go.
It didn't make sense.
Why weren't her tricks working for me?
I kept trying. I kept failing.
I eventually settled in to my social standing. I was the "friend". I was the "little sister". I was the "really awesome girl that I just wish you and I could date!"
.. Gee, really? Huh. That's funny. Because you'd rather go after the trampy dancer who's practicing her pole dancing techniques under the guise of Dance Team. But, sure. We'll go with what you said.

It got to the point where any time any guy shows an interest in me, I automatically like him. Instantly.
It didn't matter if he was..
A verbally abusive WoW addict who would tell me I was stupid when he made me cry, cause he didn't [b]mean[/b] it offensively, and who didn't visit me when I was in the ICU cause he was leveling up.
It didn't matter if he was nearly 10 years my senior, and assaulted me on a regular basis.
It didn't matter if he told me he wanted a three-way with one of my sisters.
It didn't matter if he was a Neo-Nazi who claimed to hate Jews and brown people.
I just.. can't help myself. Because I think, "Well, sure. You're kind of an absolute blemish on society, and it would be better if you never bred, ever, never. But, by God, you said you liked me, and that's better than being alone, right!"
And.. I KNOW it's not better than single.
I know it's AWFUL, and being alone forever and always is a better option than any of those guys I've dated.

I finally have reached a point in my life where.. I'm not happy. Or content. But I don't hate my body as much as I used to. I've figured out ways to feel pretty, and how to cinch up certain areas to look less pudgy, and how to accentuate decent points of interest.
But, shit, if I don't always feel insecure to not only my gorgeous older sister, whom I was always in her shadow in junior high and high school, but now I'm eclipsed by my sister who's 4 years younger than me.
Multiple guys who have tried dating me expressed interest in a three-some with her. Never mind she's my sister, and incest is illegal. Never mind the fact that I don't really swing that way. Never mind the fact that she's illegal, and if they ever touched her I would break their fingers off, and mail them to the police with a polite little note saying, "Please fingerprint these, and return to the owner. And then keep him there. Love,"

But.. God. She's.. a teenager. That's all I can say. I know she's my sister. And I love her dearly, and time after time do whatever I can to make sure she's safe, even if she yells and screams that I'm ruining her life.
But she's a teenager. She's selfish, and high-maintenance, and uncaring.
And guys in my age group would rather crawl on top of her than even look at me sideways.
And if they DO take a side-long glance, they ask me how to date her.
"Be a douche, and then she'll cheat on you like she does all of her boyfriends?" Not the best answer, I've learned.

I just..
EUHG.
I shouldn't have to compete with my little sister for attention from the entire world. She takes my families attention with her bullshit. She takes guys attention.
It's like I'm 13 again, and awkward, and never know what to say. And the Pretty Girl struts around in her string bikini, and the guys salivate and follow like Pavlov's dogs, and I'm in the corner, wearing a one-piece, reading a book.

1 comments:

OMGOSH!
Lou,you are an amazing writer. I know that is a terible peepy thing to say but I loved this. I think that I am a not as deep or profound as you. In no way to distract from that absolute perfect in which you expressed yourself but in a small (very small way) I felt you were talking for me. I have two attractive sisters older and younger, that seemed to cause a deep sense of doubt about my worth. But not so much anymore now that I am married and working at what I love. Right now I feel like they should be wishing they were me ;)

 

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